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Currently browsing thread: Divorce is Contagious Petersen Jul 06, 2010 07:58:19
Divorce is Contagious
Petersen
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Jul 06, 2010 07:58:19 		Here is an article in the Daily Mail about a recent study entitled: Divorce is contagious.[

I've observed this phenomena for years. The speculation in the article matches my own. As friends become divorced, divorce becomes more socially acceptable and when one friend is speaking bitterly about his spouse, the other joins in.

But also, I fear, as friends become divorced, their married friends get a covetous glimpse of the divorce party life-style. A single mom gets every other weekend completely free, even over night, to party like she is back in college. She took care of her kids by herself before the divorce anyway, except she never had any free time. Now she has a built-in, over night baby sitter twice a month, and nothing to do except go cruising for me. To her married friends, her life can seem romantic, exciting, and fun.

In any case, there is a danger here. The article reports: ""knowing lots of divorced people can be bad for your marriage. The more divorced people that you know, the riskier your own marriage." This doesn't mean you should abandon your divorced friends or family, but that you should be wary.

Do not be seduced by the party life. Do not join in on spousal complaining. Learn to praise your spouse to his face and front of others. Look past the veneer and see the pain, loneliness, and financial devastation. Does it seem like crack addicts are having fun? Neither are the divorced. And no matter what anyone tells you, it is very painful and dangerous also for the children. Saying children are not resilient is like saying the Jews are resilient, look how many survived the Holocaust. Children are frail. Don't be jealous. Be sympathetic, compassionate. Befriend them, by all means. Support them, pray for them. But also be careful and aware.

Aristotle thought the highest form of love was friendship. He was on to something. We are wrong, as a culture, to think it is romance. But that romance idea, I think, actually comes from the Church. Because the Church moves marriage out of the business contract world and to the idea of love. What we need is a combination of Aristotle and Hollywood: the highest form of love is Aristotle's view of friendship within marriage, as though, oh, I don't know, they were helpmeets to one another, or submitting to one another, or something. Seriously: the real key to earthly "happiness" is in marriage. It is worth serious effort and investment. If you lose your family, nothing else in this life really matters, at least, until family is rebuilt.

It is possible, by the grace of God, to remarry, to rebuild families. Again: don't shun the divorced. Reach out to them. They are hurting. But I wish the study cited would have looked at remarriage. I am amazed at how god has used Confession and Absolution to make new people, new families, and at the witness and joy that the remarried often have. It is astounding. I am also impressed at how God saves and rebuilds broken marriages through the same. It is more common than you might think.

I would guess there is a serious difference in being divorced but remarried and in being divorced and single. My guess is that the more of your friends who are currently divorced and single (or having an ongoing affair that you know about) the more at risk your own marriage is statistically. And notice this: there is a world of different between statistics and fate.  

Comments...

  • Jul 14, 2010 16:25:49 Re: Divorce is Contagious - wcwirla
    "Party life-style"? Seriously?? Talk to your single mothers and fathers. The wreckage of divorce hardly creates a party. Sure, divorcing people tend to encourage those with weak marriage to do likewise. Misery loves company. There is also the statistic that 75% of divorced people who did not divorce as a result of addiction, abuse, or adultery regret their decision after five years.

    This is a gratuitous slap in the face to every divorced person, as though they haven't been smacked around enough already.
    • Jul 19, 2010 13:22:16 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Daniel James Lula
      I think that was exactly Fr. Petersen's point if you read his article as a whole. There is definitely an appearance of a "party lifestyle" among many of the recently divorced for exactly the reasons he described. But this is short-lived, and does not reflect the true reality under the surface.
  • Jul 07, 2010 10:27:56 Re: Divorce is Contagious - helen
    "I was struck by this sentence and had to read it again;

    "Now she has a built-in, over night baby sitter twice a month, and nothing to do except go cruising for me."" [men, maybe?]

    And he has the same, for all except those two weekends a month
    and a good deal more money to do it with.
    But, of course, if they're divorced, "she must have done something wrong" ...

    Guess who has the next spouse arranged for,
    before the (no fault) papers are filed.
    Seen it, several times now.
  • Jul 07, 2010 07:04:09 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Erich Heidenreich DDS
    I agree. Well said. I would expand this by saying that much more than divorce is contagious. For instance, much of what you say above is just as true (and even more common) about the contagious nature of breaking the Eighth Commandment. Paul was right: "Do not be deceived: 'Bad company corrupts good morals.'" [1 Cor. 15:33] We are constantly in danger of being corrupted by the desensitization and enticement of "bad company." That bad company includes those we invite into our living rooms through television and DVDs.

    Pr. Petersen, you said: "Do not be seduced by the party life. Do not join in on spousal complaining . . . Befriend them, by all means. Support them, pray for them. But also be careful and aware."

    To what extent should we befriend them? I would say that part of being careful and aware means realizing that the company you keep can be a very dangerous thing for yourself and your spouse and children. I believe the majority of the time spent with people outside your family should consist of time spent with those who are relatively upright in behavior and who share your orthodox Lutheran faith, so as to support, encourage, and sustain you in your own morals and faith. Notice I did not say the majority of the people you spend time with, but the majority of the time spent with them. Those who are your closest friends, who you spend the majority of your social time with, need to be "good company" as opposed to the "bad company" Paul warns about in 1 Cor. 15. But if these were the only people you associated with you would have to go out of the world like the Amish.

    To clarify further, consider what Paul also said in 1 Cor. 5:

    "9 I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people. 10 Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. 11 But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person. 12 For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside? 13 But those who are outside God judges. Therefore 'put away from yourselves the evil person.'"

    I believe those we spend the majority of our time with should be those who are members of the Body of Christ. And if one of those members of the Body of Christ becomes corrupted, call that one to repentance. If he or she does not repent, no longer associate with that person - do not even eat with such a one!

    I believe Paul tells us to remove the wicked from among us for two reasons. Firstly, to help bring the one in error to repentance. Secondly, to avoid being corrupted ourselves.
  • Jul 07, 2010 06:39:49 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Joy
    I appreciate your comment about the resilience of children (despite the "not"). They may appear resilient when they are young, but as they look for a spouse or start having their own children, they realize that they don't know what a solid family foundation is because they didn't grow up with one. I can only speak from my own experience and those of friends whose parents divorced.
  • Jul 06, 2010 14:34:14 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Rev. Chryst
    I've observed the same, and also heard others say it too.

    Furthermore, I've seen mostly divorced women coaxing their married female friends to join them in the divorcee pool. "Come on in, the water's fine!" It's a lie, of course.

    I even know of one woman whose divorced girlfriends threw her a "happy divorce" party. No joke.
  • Jul 06, 2010 12:08:32 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Elephantschild
    Thank you for drawing attention to the "speaking bitterly about his spouse" issue. Even among those who so far have no or very few divorced friends, this causes a domino effect, a "piling on" so to speak, and it's so damaging to marriages.
    • Jul 19, 2010 13:27:20 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Daniel James Lula
      The speaking ill of one's mate to others, especially close girlfriend or guy-friends, is starting to be recognized for the corrosive thing it is. See here: http://lifestyle.m...24065164&GT1=32023

      "Admit it: A good venting sesh with your girls feels great. You get to rant about how you think your man was checking out another girl last Saturday, or how you can't believe he wants to buy a new car when he could be saving that money for an engagement ring. But constantly telling your friends your guy gripes — even the smallest stuff — can sabotage your relationship, says Gunther.

      "Your friends want to support you, will sympathize with you, and won't challenge you," explains Gunther. "So then everyone comes away from the chat with the deep opinion that your boyfriend or husband is usually in the wrong."

      All your moaning and groaning can have a lasting effect on how your friends feel about your guy, and eventually they'll stop supporting your relationship because they remember every last jerky thing he's done. Not good. So, bottom line? You don't have to cut the chick chat altogether ... but tone it down, and be sure to tell them about the nice things he does every once in a while too. You'll feel much better about your relationship overall if you remind yourself from time to time that he's a good guy."
  • Jul 06, 2010 10:40:31 Re: Divorce is Contagious - The Rev. BT Ball
    Dave-
    nice.

    I was struck by this sentence and had to read it again;

    "Now she has a built-in, over night baby sitter twice a month, and nothing to do except go cruising for me."

    At first read I thought you were saying that all the divorced women were cruising after YOU! Then I read again and figured that the me was her. You know what I mean.
    • Jul 06, 2010 14:59:20 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Stiegemeyer
      Ben, I'm assuming he meant to write, "cruising for meN."
    • Jul 06, 2010 13:16:12 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Sean
      Pr. Ball: On account of the ambiguity of the text, I'd prefer to think the former interpretation was correct, so long as the "me" can refer to every man.
  • Jul 06, 2010 08:58:04 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Michael Dennis
    Outstanding. Thank you for your words.
  • Jul 06, 2010 08:45:37 Re: Divorce is Contagious - Heidi
    Well said.
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